Race reports and future racers

I’ve finally added a section for my race reports. (Who knows, one day I might even give the blog a name and change from the default theme, or at least default stock photo!) They’re all posted on our team site, but at least this way they’re easily accessible. If you read my blog, that is, which is… do I have any readers? Honk if you read my blog! Uhm, well, at least they’re linked now!

My race reports are slightly different from my blog posts, mostly in that I pretend to have an ever so slightly more professional attitude on the team site than here (or at work, for that matter) by editing my posts for “family friendliness”, as I did in e.g. my report from Pescadero:

What the f***! (Edited for family friendliness. Because I bet loads of families read my race reports.)

Well, turns out there actually are families that read my race reports (except for my own, my parents don’t count). I received the following message on chat yesterday:

Bret: btw, your race reports are entertaining and fwiw i read them out loud to my girls so thanks for keeping them family friendly

Who would’ve thought! (Note: Bret is actually a real person whom I haven’t made up!) Thanks Bret, but a word of warning: this blog isn’t family friendly worth a fuck, but perhaps I could help out by warning ahead of time so you can replace the profanity with something more neutral. Oh shit, I already failed! Actually, now that I think about it, “shit” was no doubt one of the first words I learned in English back when my age could be counted on one hand, and “fuck” wasn’t far behind, so I think that makes them family friendly by definition? Short, simple words, that everyone understands the meaning of. They were all the rage with the kids in Eslöv.

This racing thing turns out to be of interest for all sorts of people in my vicinity, which is why I today found myself in a parking lot with a small group of women who were expecting me to teach them everything about bike skills and racing. This is somewhat odd, since I don’t really know much about that kind of stuff (have you ever seen me race?). But when I decided, out of the blue, that I just had to race last year, without knowing a thing about it, I would’ve loved it if someone had taught me anything at all that had any relevance to riding a bike. Actually, this did happen after my first race when I realized that I didn’t know what a corner was – thanks Holly and Nils who both took me to the above mentioned parking lot to teach me random shit! (Bret, you could just replace that with “stuff”, “cornering techniques”, or maybe “ponies” – your daughters won’t notice.)

I got some tips from a few friends on what I should teach the girls. Max suggested saluting. This is a good idea! I haven’t figured out a personal victory salute yet, but that’s ok, since the only races I’m capable of winning with a composition of 96.94 % slow twitch and 3.06 % fast twitch muscle are time trials and those don’t really require any salutes. My personal favorite among victory salutes is without a doubt this one:

Not only has this gentleman perfected the art of bike throwing, his attention to the finish line is beyond comparison. He doesn’t waste any energy by going past it, but yet he does reach the critical point that actually determines the race. Now pair all this with his humble “Did I win?”, which stands in stark contrast with the more confident, even slightly arrogant, salutes of Cavendish and Contador. A masterpiece.

The timing couldn’t have been better for today’s stage of the Tour de France. I was delighted to learn about the headbutt, something that I feel fits very well into a session of bumping drills with budding racers.

With help from my brand spanking new teammate Lisa we also had a theory session where we went through some of the more important topics in bike racing:

“How To Match Your Bike”
“Does White Bar Tape Make Me Look More Pro?”
“Leg Shaving: Not Just For Men?”
“Contador vs. Schleck: An Aesthetic Analysis”

I feel very confident that these women will soon be ready to enter their first race.

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2 Responses to Race reports and future racers

  1. Bret Lobree says:

    It’s true I’m real…I mean who would make up a fake chat friend with a name like Bret? And if you did make it up why only spell it with one “t”. Everyone knows the more common spelling is with two “tt”s. Looks like I’m on the hook for reading this shit to my girls too, I mean “stuff”, “fine literature”, “ponies”…

  2. Good point about ‘Bret’. If I had a fake friend, he would totally be named Mollgan.

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